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When I was little, I threw down a big screen TV while Tom Petty sang Free Fallin’. The poor man really wanted to fall; it was a true display of empathy.

Okay, maybe I just wanted to see what would happen. Spoiler: Sparks flew, I hid. My curiosity often led to “what can I get away with,” but I’m good with it.* At 9, I crashed an untended bar and helped myself to a swig of scotch.

I spit that shit right out, but then I came up with a little something I called the Penfice. It was my first invention, and I’m sure you can imagine how convenient a product like that could be. So, problem child or problem solver? I still ask myself that most days, pen in hand, breakfast KITKAT** in mouth.

Luckily, my mom still likes me. She even sends me job posts every day. On that note, please help!

 *I do regret rummaging through that one drawer.
** I don’t mean to yell, it’s just on brand.